The Love and Loneliness Affair
What Dating Apps, Singlism, and Attachment Styles Reveal About Our Love Life
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I’m sending you love—inner strength, flourishing, and dragon-like energy in the spirit of Chinese New Year! 🐲
Monika 💛
We all long to love and to be loved—usually, to feel less alone.
In other words, love and loneliness might be more closely related than we assume. The notion of "finding love" often leads us to believe that once we find our significant other, loneliness will vanish. Yet, the reality is more complex.
Loneliness can manifest whether one is in a romantic partnership, a situationship, or single. At its core, it stems from the innate human desire: being understood and recognized in one’s totality. And while this is more than relatable, it’s also quite impossible. Understanding someone fully is elusive; it's the subtle hint of mystery that keeps our bonds intriguing. And honestly, I don’t even get myself most of the time. So perhaps, instead of striving for the perfect union of one and the other, it’s the shared experiences of longing for a shared reality of being understood and recognized that truly connects us.
However, it's tough to shake off the influence of today's love industry and culture, which often revolves around the idea of finding one perfect partner. This notion permeates Hollywood fairytales and the polished #couplegoals showcased on social media. The reality of modern love, however, can be starkly different, filled with experiences like ghosting, commitment issues, and resentful relationships that ultimately make more of us feel lonely than anyone would admit.
How heartless modern dating has become
Since immersing myself in the city of Madrid, and experimenting with co-living/-working spaces and anti-loneliness platforms like dinner matchmaker Timeleft, I’ve found myself surrounded by people passionately ranting about the trials of dating apps. While I’ve been on a few myself before, it seems little has changed.
In the end, the industry thrives on keeping users on the app, swiping and hoping. In 2022 alone, the dating app market ranked at a staggering $4.94 billion with a significant chunk coming from Match Group which Tinder, Hinge, OkCupid, and others are part of. With over 300 million users worldwide, the scale of modern dating is immense. And let’s not forget about the looming chapter of AI dating.
A poignant Reddit thread caught my attention, where a 30-years-old woman shared the pervasive nature of loneliness among singles:
“I have put a good try into online dating, meeting people out and about, learning new things, meeting friends of friends and nothing. It’s sad to feel universally unwanted/unloveable, especially across different phases of life. Obviously, I can strive for self-improvement (and I do) but in the meantime, how do I cope with being alone after so many rejections over the years? When does one just give up and accept the cards that they’re dealt?”
Amid the disenchantment of the quality of dating, the illusion of abundant options out there, and our overall culture between hookup and happily-ever-after, matchmaker and dating coach Francesca Hogi offers a refreshing perspective:
“You have to take responsibility for being the version of yourself or growing into the version of yourself who can co-create the relationship that you want to have. So it will be different for everyone, but people have to be willing to look at themselves without judgment, with real compassion, and say, what do I need to work on here? How can I do this a little bit better so I can experience the love that I want?”
Her insight resonates with a generation that is redefining dating norms—yes, GenZ. With marriage dropping in priority and a shift towards valuing authenticity and meaningful connections, there's hope for a more intentional approach to dating. Sober dating, driven by a desire for genuine connection and quality conversation, is also gaining momentum among young singles.
The myth of single loneliness
While the stigma of being single can contribute to feelings of loneliness, research suggests that the challenges extend beyond relationship status. Cultural stigmas surrounding singlehood, particularly concerning age, can intensify feelings of isolation. In China, the term “sheng nü” (leftover women) unfairly depicts educated, unmarried women over 27 as lonely and desperate, adding pressure for them to marry.
Dr. Patricia Celan, a psychiatry resident at Dalhousie University highlights:
“Unfortunately, there is a stigma for single people. Often, people believe that there is something wrong with someone to explain why that person is not in a relationship, even if it’s just a personal choice. There can also be a stigma of single people being selfish, even though someone may be a very selfless volunteer or philanthropist despite not seeking a relationship.”
Research backs this up. In a study published in 2022, hundreds of individuals rated the benefits of single life, citing advantages such as more time for themselves, being able to focus on their goals, and not having anyone else dictate their actions.
Contrary to popular belief, research suggests that starting around age 40, singles become more satisfied with their solo lives. Currently, nearly 40% of adults in the U.S. are unpartnered and about half aren’t interested in dating or a relationship.
Nevertheless, single-shaming, also known as singlism, remains pervasive. This harmful phenomenon involves excluding single individuals from social gatherings, pressuring them to "settle down," or unfairly attributing personal shortcomings to their relationship status.
Rather than further perpetuating judgment or stigmatization of others’ romantic choices, it’s essential to explore the nuances beyond the binary of single (lonely) to in a relationship (unlonely) to uncover the interplay of love and loneliness.
A collective need for the capacity to repair love
Love and satisfaction with one's love life are essential indicators of experiencing loneliness in relationships—and there’s now a scale available to measure it.
Whether from communication breakdowns, lack of physical intimacy, insufficient quality time, or diverging life paths, most reasons for relationships boil down to unmet needs. Though unsurprising, identifying, expressing, and acting on these needs is crucial.
Over the past 50 years, Drs. Julie and John Gottman have pioneered relationship research with thousands of couples. They’ve found that most relationship problems (69%) never get resolved but are “perpetual” problems based on personality differences between partners. Coupled with the fact that 58% of divorced couples cite arguing and disproportionate conflict as reasons for their split, it’s evident that learning to genuinely resolve conflict—repairing and restoring relationships—is paramount.
In a recent episode of Pulling the Thread, Dr. Julie Gottmann delved into the factors fueling infidelity in couples:
“They didn't wanna bring them up because the conflicts were so awful and terrible and painful. So they would bury their complaints down a layer inside themselves, hold them inside, and avoid talking to their partner. So there'd be a lot of distance being created because they weren't bringing up their real needs to their partner which produced loneliness. That distancing produced loneliness and the loneliness fed their looking at other people as potential alternate partners that might understand them better, might be able to hear them better, and might not feed them the toxins of criticism and contempt.”
However, such feelings of loneliness don't necessarily have to result in separation, divorce, or infidelity. Instead, they can serve as opportunities for introspection, prompting individuals to examine their unmet needs and inner struggles, rather than seeking external validation.
My journey into attachment styles since last summer, sparked by feelings of loneliness in my relationship, has shed light on the intricate relationship between love, loneliness, and perceived insecurity. Attachment theory, pioneered by British psychologist John Bowlby and further developed by psychologist Mary Ainsworth, provides insights into adult relationship dynamics rooted in childhood experiences.
If you’ve not heard of it, you can take a test here to see which attachment style you are (and see it more like a spectrum, rather than a label).
Understanding attachment styles sheds light on how we navigate love and loneliness. Avoidant attachers, for example, tend to have smaller social circles and may struggle with social loneliness, while those with an anxious attachment style often seek relationships to avoid emotional deprivation. However, challenges arise when partners fail to meet these emotional needs, leading to feelings of loneliness and disconnection. For individuals like myself with an anxious attachment style, finding security and alleviating loneliness often involves turning inward for emotional regulation and prioritizing personal needs.
Despite these differences, the experiences of love and loneliness are universally felt, albeit uniquely perceived. By sharing our experiences—whether single, in complicated relationships, or otherwise—we can deepen our understanding of these emotions and expand our capacity for love, both towards ourselves and others.
How has loneliness shown up in your love life so far?
We’ll explore and discuss more in our monthly community gathering online on February 29 at 20:00 CET. You can sign up here (free)!
Any thoughts, I’d love to hear them, as always. 💛