Breaking the Silence: Re-Enchanting Masculinity
On Self-Sufficiency, Vulnerability, and the Unconscious Longing for Intimacy
Quick announcement: we have a few more spots open at our Lisbon event (especially for brave men đ). And youâre welcome to pop into our monthly online gathering on Thursday, February 29, this time, all about love and loneliness. Thank you for supporting my work!Â
As a teenager, Iâll never forget the first time I saw my dad cryâit left me uncomfortable. My dad doesnât cry. Why would he, being a man? There it was, my own biased idea of masculinity.Â
Years later, Iâm noticing a subtle tenderness in my father and other men around me. It's not something you see talked about often, but there's a shift happening. Jindy Mann, leadership coach and founder of Leader.Brother.Son., mentioned in our interview for this newsletter âa sense of confusion regarding roles and a profound feeling of disconnection and loneliness among menâ that seems to be at the heart of it.
Loneliness affects everyone, but menâespecially young menâare facing challenges in forming deep connections, such as friendships. A 2021 report from the Survey Center on American Life revealed that 15 percent of men today lack close friendships, marking a fivefold increase since 1990. At that time, almost half of men would say theyâd turn to a friend in challenging times.Â
In my interviews with men this past week, however, the common thread appeared to be: the tendency to isolate their problems due to fears of appearing weak or unstable. One interviewee explained: âYou want to talk about things, but you also want to avoid feeling vulnerable, right? Itâs a delicate balance between pride and vulnerability.â Another one mentioned his preference for dealing with issues on his own, without relying on visible tools or coping mechanisms, rather than reaching out for support.
In repeatedly listening to the idea of self-sufficiency, I felt my chest tighten, being someone who always reaches out to others, often before knowing if and what the actual problem is, and, perhaps, relying slightly too much on othersâ comfort and reassurance that itâs okay not to be okay.Â
Relating to and expressing our emotions, especially our difficult ones, is key to any relationship, with ourselves, others, and the world. And, as I was reminded of in a course Iâm participating in on emotional and social skill-building, the ability to make fine-grained distinctions of what we are feelingâand where it sits in the body, is crucial. Otherwise, we are likely to get stuck in our internal storytelling, and worst of all, get stuck in the glorious blame game of the drama triangle.Â
Yet, of course, regardless of genderâwe are all longing to connect more deeply.Â
We all desire friendships akin to what an interviewee described to me: âI am myself with him. I donât have to lie, because I can say what I want to say without fear of judgment. We always try to do new things togetherâand sometimes, we just spend time, doing nothing. Just being present for each other.âÂ
Similarly, many of us feel stifled by societal expectations and constraints imposed by the gender binary. It's worth noting that while queer individuals, along with other marginalized and disadvantaged groups, may face increased isolation and loneliness as part of so-called âminority stressâ, they respectively seem to commit to being more active in cultivating connection and community.
âConversations on other ways of being are immensely importantâ as someone writes on my Linkedinâs post thread. And they are happeningânot only within the broader discourse on identity and rights, but also in the ways that men, in particular, are engaging with one another, and themselves.Â
In exchanging with a man Iâm gradually forming a deeper friendship with, he revealed this notion of choosing to be intentional, fluidâand in many ways, forgiving and compassionate with being himself. Less bound by a static state, a singular expression, and more infused with a sense of playfulness.
âI know how to âbe a manâ in this society. If you see me at work, for example, you will see this version of myself, with my attitude, gestures, and voice. I enjoy playing with it and I love itâeven if itâs not my truest self. It makes me feel a bit more free. Because itâs on my terms, I donât seek permission to express myself. Iâm just me.â
What does it mean to âbe a manâ in this world? And how is it related to overall topics of loneliness, social isolation, and connection?Â
To help make sense of these questions, I sat down with Jindy Mann, who generously shared his journey of becomingâand insights from his work as a leadership coach and founder of Leader.Brother.Son.
Growing up in the U.K. in the late 70s as the youngest of four siblings to immigrant parents from India, Jindy navigated between British and Indian cultures within a patriarchal family dynamic. At thirteen, he lost his father, leaving him without older male role models during a crucial period of self-discovery. In the 90s, amidst a cultural backdrop of shallow, sex-driven depictions of masculinity, and working in different business environments from corporates to startups, he spent the last two decades witnessing men conforming to societal expectations, wearing a metaphorical mask of masculinity that caused internal suffering and perpetuated societal harm.
He felt called to do something about it, started his coaching practice, and alongside a few others, has been running free menâs circles for the past three years.Â
Monika Jiang: Iâm curious about how people identifying as male develop relationshipsâand how it might differ from the experience of those identifying as female or nonbinary. What can you tell me about it?Â
Jindy Mann: Thereâs lots to say. Before the age of about eight, children of any gender will develop similarly, they will be quite intimate, really playful with each other, and unafraid to touch each other. And then what tends to happen with boysâand Iâm speaking from a mostly Western perspectiveâis that this intimacy gets socialized out of boys. They take on this idea that you shouldnât be intimate in your friendships in that way because that's âtoo feminineâ. So the the feminine principle, the feminine energy, and part of ourselves get rejected. Thatâs also the root of homophobia as well because anything feminine or intimate is to be avoided, itâs wrong, and itâs not something that a boy or a man should feel. So that's kind of the root of a lot of disconnection for men.Â
Therefore, âmale relationshipsâ are being conformed in a particular way. In the workplace, itâs often about competition. Sometimes, itâs kind of a hidden, silent competition, that kind of jostling for position, and hierarchy. What that means is, that as boys go through adolescence and into adulthood, they become isolated individuals, and their friendships narrow.
And then what Iâve noticed, with a lot of my friends, and also myself is that itâs very easy for those friendships to become very small, and become very transactional. So thereâs much less intimacy in them, there's much less honesty, there's this sense of doing it on your own, and not opening up in the way that you might, in a really, truly intimate relationship.
Research says that, in heterosexual relationships, men tend to overly rely on their romantic partner for emotional needs and support, rather than, say their friends. Do you have insight into the way men are handling their difficult emotions and challenging situations?Â
I think itâs true that for men in heterosexual relationships, their partner becomes their primary source of emotional relation, emotional expression, venting, and just the everyday messiness of life. That's true in this there thatâs underpinned by research, but also my own experience and what I see in other men, because those intimate friendships have been lost almost the ability to have intimate relationships outside primary romantic relationship has been lost.
So yeah, it does become a kind of a lot of pressure actually on that relationship for the partner, or both individuals actually to be able to hold all of what a man might want to share or express. And in some instances, might not be expressing it or sharing it. If I think of myself and my relationships in my 30s, I was largely repressing all of my emotions and attempting to sort of just live this kind of veneer of âeverythingâs fineâ. When exposed, I would deny it or try to avoid having a conversation about it. Because it felt vulnerable. It felt like something imagined like it was lacking in strength. And also because I didnât know how to have those conversations, I didnât know how to sit and even name my emotions, let alone talk about them with someone else.
What changed for you? How did you find it in yourself to open up in a different way, where did you seek support?
It happened inadvertently, Iâd say. So when I was 30, landing in the consulting world almost by accident, I was working on a project in Copenhagen. From the outside, my life looked great, I got to travel and do all these things. But I was miserable and completely lost as to what I wanted to do. I have this very vivid memory of myself, sitting in a hotel room, and just feeling completely lost and confused.
That was a turning point for me. A colleague of mine at work who was at a similar point in life brought up the idea of working with a coachâso I did. I found an incredible one and worked with her consistently for about two and a half years. Even after that, Iâve stayed in touch and had occasional sessions. Initially, I thought I was seeking guidance on my next career move, but as often happens, that was just scratching the surface. It unearthed deeper questions for meâlike, who am I? What happened? What do I truly want in life?
It felt like a spiritual journey, exploring and reconnecting with my creativity, a part of my feminine side. Eventually, I started therapy after a series of failed relationships made me realize there were unresolved issues within myself. This exploration was made possible by the groundwork laid with my coach. For me, coaching was the gateway that opened up transformative avenues. But it's been a long, winding road. So to answer your question, it's tough to offer a simple solution because everyone's journey is unique.
Thank you for sharing yours with me. Iâd love to hear more about what youâre picking up from the menâs circles youâre running: what are the most common issuesâwhat are they longing for?  Â
In our free group sessions, we encourage participants to suggest topics for discussion, making it a group-led experience. Common themes that emerge include work, relationships, friendships, stress, anxiety, health, and often, the broader questions surrounding masculinity. Regardless of the specific topic, the underlying question of âWhat does it mean to be a man?â is always present.
Over the past three years, weâve noticed a recurring meta-theme: a sense of confusion regarding roles and a profound feeling of disconnection and loneliness among men. This longing for connection led us to establish an online community earlier this year, providing a consistent space for men to come together and connect.
In every group session, regardless of the participantsâ diverse backgrounds, ages, sexualities, or races, thereâs a shared realization that they're not alone in their experiences. When asked why they joined the group, many express a desire for genuine connection and conversationâa longing for community above all else. This sense of community isnât solely a male need but a fundamental human one.
It sounds like a truly meaningful, safe space thatâs free from judgment. What kind of principles are foundational to the way you come together?Â
Yeah, so we start each group session by emphasizing a clear set of principles. Before and throughout the session, we spend time laying the groundwork and defining the purpose and boundaries of the space. While the specific topics are often determined by the group, we have a core set of principles that we're explicit about.
The main principles we emphasize include speaking from oneâs perspective and being as truthful as possible. We encourage participants to speak from the heart rather than from a purely rational space. Listening with full attention is equally importantâwe stress the value of being fully present for others.
Another principle is spontaneity; we encourage participants to share what comes up for them at the moment rather than preparing extensively. Finally, we emphasize non-judgment and avoid the urge to fix or advise each other unless explicitly asked.
Some of these principles are drawn from techniques like Ways of Council, while others stem from our backgrounds as coaches and facilitators. Together, they set the stage for open and honest conversations.
Wonderful principles and practicesâfor any kind of relationship in general, I think. Coming back to the theme of loneliness, Iâm wondering if the stigma and sense of shame around this subject is particularly present for men along with the idea of masculinity within a binary, patriarchal society?
Yeah, that's a great question. My initial reflection is that the experience of loneliness and disconnection is increasingly common in modern life for everyone. Whether itâs more stigmatized for men, Iâm not entirely sure. In some ways, it might be less stigmatized but equally significant.Â
Men, like everyone else, have an inherent need for connection, intimacy, and relationships. Despite differences between genders, we all share this basic need as social beings. However, the predominant model of masculinity, shaped by patriarchy, often discourages men from seeking social connections. Instead, it promotes individualism and isolation as signs of strength and power over others, rather than collaboration and communal support.
This emphasis on dominance over connection leads many men to suppress their need for meaningful relationships, often without realizing the depth of their loneliness. They may prioritize external markers of success or engage in shallow forms of connection, such as social media interactions or surface-level socializing like going to the pub or playing sports together. So I think what that leads to is, men having a deep underlying need desire for connection, like anyone does, and to not feel loneliness. But I think many are unconscious of it.
While these activities provide some level of connection, they often fall short of fulfilling deeper emotional needs. Many men reserve their true expressions for romantic partners, believing thatâs the only acceptable outlet for emotional connection. As a result, they may inadvertently place too much pressure on one relationship to fulfill all their emotional needs, leading to further isolation. So I think itâs different. For men, I donât know whether stigmatize more or less, possibly even less, but I think the effect is just as pronounced and itâs differently, in a perhaps even more hidden way. Because I think men are less likely to admit that theyâre lonely or lacking connection.
So interesting! Yes, I think thereâs a lot in this unconsciousness. In a way, it works in a society like ours.Â
Yeah, I think one of the modern masculine archetypes revolves around self-sufficiency, the idea of not needing anyone else. We encounter this portrayal frequently in popular culture through various characters and figures. Whatâs challenging about this archetype is that while there are positive aspects to being self-sufficientâlike those discussed in psychology and self-helpâit can also have a darker side.
People like Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate often navigate this line, seemingly promoting self-sufficiency but carrying additional baggage. Taking responsibility for ourselves is crucial for personal growth and maturity, but when it extends to never asking for help, doing everything alone, and keeping our struggles to ourselves, it becomes problematic. This aspect of self-sufficiency, where individuals see themselves as lone wolves who don't need assistance or support, is prevalent in the modern masculine archetype.
Where do we go from hereâhow could the idea of âbeing a manâ and masculinity evolve?
So Iâm quite skeptical of those who try to define masculinity and present it as a singular, healthy model. Our motto is "There are 4 billion ways to be a man," emphasizing that each individual should discover what feels authentic to them and live that fully and honestly.
My broader vision or motivation is centered around community. I believe itâs crucial for us not only as men but as a society to reconnect and collaborate, not just with each other but also with the natural world. Iâve been inspired by those working in fields like eco-psychology and regenerative business, and they talk a lot about reincarnation, with the world. Re-enchanting magic and wonder of the world. And so all of this, for me comes back to finding connection and being open to community. And almost relearning how to live in association with each other rather than in competition.
That's my visionâand possibly my lifeâs work.
A big thank you to Jindy, to my interviewees, friends, and people in my network who shared insight, gave me comfort, and encouraged me to start this inquiry.
đ Want to dive deeper? Together with Jindy Mann, weâll be hosting our next in-person gathering for anyone identifying as male on Wednesday, April 17 in Berlin. Follow me on Instagram or LinkedIn to stay tuned for details!