The Unexpected Benefit of Discomfort in Staying Connected
How Facing Tension Helps Us Connect Despite Loneliness
Last week, I found myself in a conference session titled “Decolonization is Imagination.” Walking in, I realized it wasn't going to be a talk but an interactive group session. One of the facilitators spotted me already, waving me into one of the six groups, so I gave in and joined. I realize how ironic it is, that I am comfortable creating spaces for others, expecting people to participate and engage, while I, at that moment, felt deep resistance and discomfort, noticing self-judgment and ruminating thoughts around: “What smart thing can I possibly say about decolonization? I shouldn’t be here.”
What happened next was a group sharing the question: “How do you imagine a decolonized future?” Again, I rolled my eyes internally, feeling overwhelmed to respond to such a far-flung utopian question. But of course, I shared my view, encouraged by the group’s openness and presence, listening to each other curiously and affirmingly. Later, we had a chance to share with someone outside our group, before bringing it all together in a living sculpture (yes, us, with our bodies), inspired by The Theatre of the Oppressed. I left full of energy, and a little bit more open.
One of the key facilitators, Abdul Rehman Malik, cultural organizer and lecturer at the Yale Divinity School, referred to the original coffee houses as their session’s inspiration, where anyone was welcome to join any ongoing conversation at any point—whether people knew each other already or not.
Such spontaneous conversations and interactions have become rare. Yet, these moments of slight discomfort and tension can help us stay connected with ourselves, each other, and the world around us.
Making new connections in today’s world is easy. You can download an app, DM someone on Instagram, sign up for dinner circles, join pottery classes, or attend parties. The possibilities are endless, especially if you have the time and resources. However, there’s no guarantee of meeting someone you care enough about to invest the time needed to stay connected.
But short-term, quick-win, one-click connecting is possible, and one of the reasons many people feel lonely is because they’re missing quality over quantity of their social connections. While the possibility of connecting seems abundant, many find themselves still feeling alone, disconnected, and longing for more long-term, nourishing relationships—which arguably stay alive because of the occasional friction and discomfort.
Loneliness can lead to higher levels of inflammation, affecting our health and well-being. It also impacts our decision-making, as Parneet Pal, physician-educator explained in last week’s online session in light of Loneliness Awareness Week:
“Even lower levels of inflammation can make us more impulsive, short-term thinkers, and self-focused, with less trust and empathy. Individually, this leads to poorer health habits, collectively, it drives higher consumption, for example, and politically, it contributes to divisiveness and polarization. While loneliness isn't the sole cause of these issues, it is a significant factor that impacts our daily lives, highlighting the interconnectedness of our inner and outer ecologies.”
Just as our outer worlds and systems need a shift towards long-term, seventh generations, and long-term, good ancestors thinking, we might need a similar shift in our view on connections and relationships, including our relationship to ourselves.
Embracing discomfort and tension can be a worthwhile starting point. In moments of difficulty or inconvenience, we can choose to expand and evolve rather than shut down, withdraw, or escape. By resisting our survival instincts in a culture that rewards short-termism, reactivity, and doing over being, we create space for ourselves and our connections to deepen and grow.
While I often think of big-drama conflicts, discomfort and tension can arise in subtle ways—an awkward silence in a conversation, a visibly inattentive listener, a passive-aggressive comment from a colleague, or being phone-less for a few hours (or days).
The relationship with our phones has become a universally toxic co-dependent one. The initial thought for most (check yourself) of being away from my phone even just for a few hours is frightening and exciting both at the same time.
Jordy van Bennekom, who co-founded The Offline Club only a few months ago, emphasized in our session the need to seek comfort in discomfort. He suggested we reframe our relationship with our phones and the online world by disconnecting to reconnect with ourselves and others.
"At The Offline Club, we found what works is disconnecting people from their phones and bringing them together in special places—without pressure to connect, but with the option to do so. This approach allows people to reconsider their relationship with their phones and the online world.”
The recent EU elections, showing a right-wing surge across countries, alongside persistent wars, injustice, and violence, make me understand those who say, “I cannot engage with the other side anymore,” as well as those who urge, “We need to bridge, we need to come together more.”
Depending on the day, I find myself with more faith in humankind, rather than hope, as Turkish writer Ece Temelkuran would say.
Nonetheless, we need to stay connected to the world, one way or another.
Ieva Cesnulaiyte, founding head of research and learning at DemocracyNext, shared that the current moment feels like losing this kind of faith—not only in institutions but in ourselves. Yet, there are ways to practice democracy through collective decision-making that can help us embrace the discomfort of “the other” and reconnect with what bridges our differences.
While our current idea of democracy is based on elections and adversarial politics, where one group wins over another, reimagining central institutions—like Citizens’ Assemblies—offers a third way. While our current idea of democracy is based on elections and adversarial politics, where one group wins over another, reimagining central institutions—like Citizens' Assemblies—offers an alternative.
“In Citizens' Assemblies, people are randomly selected and grouped to make policy decisions. After a while, they realize they’re part of a diverse group sharing the common goal of wanting the best for everyone. This process fosters a sense of love and care for each other as they undergo a transformative experience. For me, this demonstrates the potential of designing democratic institutions that bridge and unite us, rather than divide us.”
Similar to restorative dialogue, developed by practitioner Dominic Barter in the mid-1990s in Brazil, this process is guided by the group. Thus, all difficult emotions, dissent, and suffering associated with disagreements, conflicts, or complex policy decisions can be addressed collectively.
If we choose to stay connected to each other, we can stay connected to the world.
By honing and cultivating the skills to be with discomfort and tension, we are also learning how to connect meaningfully again.
As Lori Schwanbeck, psychologist, mindfulness teacher, and Humanize facilitator, explained in our session:
“Connection skills come in three dimensions. First, individually: developing self-awareness around ‘How do I feel physically? How do I feel emotionally?,’ and becoming okay with difficult moments. Second, towards others: cultivating empathy, being present, and understanding what they are going through. Third, collectively: recognizing our common humanity. Understanding that beneath our perceived differences, we share experiences of love, challenge, and joy. Focusing on what unites us, rather than what separates us, fosters true connection.”
So the next time you feel even the slightest discomfort, like my hesitation to engage—or a big wave of it—feel it. Resist the urge to avoid, withdraw, or fight it. Noticing is the first step, naming the feeling the second, and staying connected to it the third. That’s already plenty.
If you’re curious to explore the nuances of difficult emotions and discomfort together, join next Thursday’s June Community Circle where we’ll discuss and engage in small ways to become more resilient and stay connected. 🫶
Until then, stay in touch,
Monika
Love this!